Ismael Iglesias

Well, it might work if I put a little more polish here in this picture. I don’t know if I´ll have enough time. I will go to the bedroom and wait there until it dries out. Or, not even that, the best I can do is to forget it, it’s not coming out, as I wanted, anyway. I’d better make a list of the things that come up to me so I don’t forget any of them.

It’s 5´30 and it’s freezing here. I’d better start with the picture down there. I don’t have plenty of time because I must go out and get some glue at 7. Well, half an hour is gone and I will have to handle the plate. It probably went dry.

I think the problem is that I don’t spend the time it really needed in this, but, why should I? I’m not working for anybody. I’m going to rest for a little while. I´ll get over it, the important thing is that from now on I must to forget about all the silly things that cross my mind. Well, not all of them, in fact, everything I do comes probably from somewhere. I don’t know why I am torturing myself that much. I know I need some discipline but if I had money I wouldn’t be on the same opinion. Well, I´d better not think about it.

What does painting mean? For if it means escaping I’ve got the impression of staying on the same place. I hate all those clear, brilliant artworks, perfect expressions of a perfectly finished perfect idea. I would like to express with my strength what is confusing me and obsessing me, but I don’t know why.

Perhaps if I didn’t care that much about the reason why... I would feel better about myself and my fucking pictures would come out easily with my strength.
But I don’t know.

It happens to me too- I guess it happens to everybody- that I don’t ¨know¨ who I paint for. People’s opinion about my stuff is of great importance to me. This is, about the outside meaning of the final result, is that the way they call it?

If only I were more enthusiastic when doing things and not just for the fucking sake of having fun, I might probably be sure of opening a way, a valid and fulfilling way, for myself.

But here, left on my own in some kind of abandoned territory, without a clue of where to go to, like walking around the same forests and ponds, where events do not depend on me but the discovery will appear just by chance, the finding will come out as if it didn’t depend of what I do.
(It’s quite probably that I’m neurotic). But that’s not valid for me either.

Maybe I got out of bed on the wrong side today and I should be able to put up with a tough day when destiny is against me, and I should be able to forgive myself too.
Why are my paintings so big? Ok, they aren’t that big to be honest.

What should I do with this fucking plate? If I paint some stripes here it will become just the opposite of what I did yesterday.
I’m not totally convinced of it, but it’s not that bad.
Anyway it didn’t come out the way I looked for. But bah!
I’m going to have some fun with that collage.

If I weren’t here, where should I be? It’s almost 8 and I will have to go for a walk, although I could stay in for once, because the situation is getting spoiled by means of monotony, is that the word?

What the hell! Why shouldn’t I go out if a wanted to? But if I stay in, at 1 o’clock I will feel better. But this terrible cold is going to make me get in bed and get asleep. Ok, I´ll go out but will be back by quarter past nine and hopefully I´ll be able to figure out what to do with this picture. Although when things don’t work the way one wants, the best thing one can do is to leave it and start with something else.
Everything I do recently is a failure...

I’m going to take a serious decision about myself.

It’s time to stop thinking about the same stupid stuff all the time, to be honest I think my vocabulary is very short.

What is the most important thing for me right now! Getting the exhibition in Sanse ready (short word for San Sebastian), and forget about all the bad things and do some short term planning for my business. But I don’t know, I am not totally sure. Bah! It’s not going to be the end of the world if I keep on doing this for three months and may be good to keep me away from being obsessed about what I’m going to be doing in the following years.

What pisses me off most in life is that you must choose.
Is this text going to take up too much space in the catalogue?

text: José Julián Bakedano